The Call of the Mild/Transcript
Mister Yut: Who would like another bowl, bottle, or bucket of my delicious Paw-Tucket punch? Trip: Yo! Hey, Mister Yut, could you hook me up with a hot/cold sleeve? My bottle is freezin' my little paws. Mister Yut: Your little paws should be attached to a tougher hamster! Shark salesman: Heeeyyyy, pooches! ''Pooped out from digging holes? '''Roxie': Hm? Shark salesman: Let the automatic bone-burier do it for you! humming Let us get your paws dirty, because life shouldn't be ruff! '' '''Roxie': Can you believe that? Edie: I cannot, it's sheer genius! Roxie: I'm just afraid we're getting awfully pampered. Who would even want something like that? Trip: Yeah, do your bone buriers come in rose gold? Gasp Roxie: Look at us! What if we forget how to do animal stuff, like digging, or pouncing, or barking? feebly See?! ''We're getting soft! What if our humans ever got lost, or trapped in the attic? '''Quincy': Or pinned under a giant fiberglass cow that blew off of the roof of a drive-thru dairy! Roxie: Or that. My point is, we'd be useless! Jade: But some of us are so good at that. Roxie: Well, I know how to put us back in touch with our animal instincts! Edie: Look, I've got animal instinct! I've painted my claws with tiger stripes. Roxie: Groan running Roxie: Trust me, guys, this is gonna be awesome! exhale Smell that fresh air! Jade: You know where else you can find the air? Everywhere in Paw-Tucket, where there's also litterboxes and electricity. Quincy: Oh, uhuh, are we going to stay in that camper? If I'm going to be in the great outdoors, I'd prefer to do it in the great indoors. Trip: Mm-hm. opens Quincy: Yelp Hoffman Beary: Softies - Hoffman Beary, wilderness bar, at your service. Quincy: Oh, uh, you mean "bear"? Hoffman: That's what I said, bar. Trip: Huh? Hoffman: Welcome to the Call of the Wild Retreat, a 2-day wilderness trek for pampered pets to get back to glorious nature. Jade: Uh, we'd rather get back to Paw-Tucket. I've got a fully-furnished cat condo and a sink that's a sweet napping spot. Edie: And hardwood perches. Quincy: Salt licks. Trip: Reception? Hoffman: Sorry, but the only thing you can bring along is your inner animal. gasp So, all of your devices in this box. First step back to the wild. Trip: Goodbye, curlin' iron. See ya, moisturizer. Later, body wax. Roxie: Hmm... Trip: Hey, takes a lot of product to look this good! Thud Hoffman: By the time we get back from that mountain, you'll all be cold, tired, and hungry as a bar. But your inner animal will be wide awake. Jade: My inner animal doesn't want to be wide awake, it wants to nap. So does my outer animal. Roxie: Trust me, guys, this'll be fun! Jade: Hm. Music panting rustling Whack! Trip: Uaagh! Grunt Ow! Yo, big bar! When does the fun start? Hoffman: You just discovered a bristlecone pine tree. They can live 5,000 years if they don't get root rot. You never see that ''in the city. You're welcome. '''Trip': Ow! Jade: Ah - ugh! Huh? Hiss No need to be wild, you need to be smaaaart! ''Thud Ugh! '''Hoffman': Whoa, adventurer. Lucky that poison ivy broke your fall. Jade: Huh? Hoffman: Just kidding, they're ostrich ferns. Haaaa, I love doing that. We're hiking, we're learning. Keep up, everybody. Quincy: Are we there yet? Hoffman: No? Quincy: Are we there yet? Hoffman: No? Quincy: Are we there yet? Hoffman: Yep! Quincy: Hmm! Hoffman: Just kidding, no. Quincy: Ugh! Roxie: This is great, I love this! Get in the spirit! Edie: How can I when I don't even know where to go to the bathroom? There's no newspaper on the ground like in my cage, it's all just - ugh - ground! panting and groaning Edie: Pant I am spent! Must... rest! Groan Hoffman: Lots of sap on that maple branch. Edie: Oh, sap. What danger! panting Edie: Fine, I'm ready. Yelp Smack! Trip: Laugh Edie: Don't look at me! Don't look at me! '' '''Quincy': Inhale Prickly. Squishy. Jaggy. Hmm. Aaah! Thud Jade: Rocky. Quincy: Groan Roxie: A bridge, fun! Hoffman: That's it, Roxie - you're using your animal instincts, like me! Sniffing I can smell a storm approaching sniff from the north. Sniff It's a blizzard. Jade: A blizzard? Roxie, I don't do snow, and I definitely don't do cold. Come on, guys, let's head back. Sigh Edie: Face it, Roxie, we're not cut out for this. Roxie: Come on, guys, we can do this! Don't do it for me, do it for your humans back home! If we can make it through this, we are going to be the best pets ever! Quincy: Yeah, if my human gets pinned under a fiberglass dairy cow, it's not going to be because of me! I'm with Roxie! Come on, guys, for our people! Roxie: That's it, guys! Nothing can stop us now! snaps All: Scream Splash Trip: Uh, when's the last time anypet saw Hoffman? Roxie: He's here! Hoffman: Oh. Hey, everybody, found a beehive. Honey's kind of my weakness. Ah, but it makes me sleepy. Sleepy I'm just going to lie down until this honey stupor wears off. Yawning Don't worry, it only lasts 2 to 3... Quincy: Seconds? Minutes? Hours? Hoffman: Days. Snoring Quincy: Gasp Days?! ''That's a honey hibernation! There's a blizzard coming! '''Edie': Wake up! Wake up! We're on our own! Quincy: Luckily I have my emergency kit. Jade: How did you sneak that in? Quincy: Oh, I have my ways. Trip: Pfft, we don't need this! All: Groan Trip: Now is not the time to panic. I've got my backup phone. It's got everythin' - GPS, compass, flashlight, even AI. Locate basecamp. Trip's phone: Sorry, did not catch. Trip: Dead battery. Now is the time to panic! Roxie: No it isn't, we've got this! Trip, Quincy - carry the bear! Edie - get up there and get an Edie's eye view of basecamp! Edie: Gasp Oh, look at me! I'm soaring! Nearly perish in the elements is a good motivator! Roxie, I can see the basecamp! Follow the river! Roxie: Great! Come on, Rox, use your instincts! loudly Jade: Hey, that's Roxie! Barking! Follow her! Grunting Panting Jade: Even if we follow the river, lugging Hoffman is taking forever. No way we get back before the blizzard hits. Trip: I have an idea! Roxie: We're not leaving him, Trip. Trip: Then I have no further ideas. Edie: If we could get this log in the river, Hoffman can float in the river! Trip: So I won't have to carry him? Edie: No! Trip: Then paws, get diggin'! Jade: If I could get to those vines, I could claw them off the rocks. We could tow Hoffman. Quincy: Goats are leapers! Hop on the Quincy Express! Jade: Shing Huh, I guess these are good for something other than shredding my human's toilet paper, which she loves. Roxie/Edie: Grunt Roxie: Hoffman ahoy, and head for home! Trip: All that burrowing ruined my manicure. This better be worth it. Roxie: Gasp That's Hoffman's camper! We're back! We did it! ''And we beat the blizzard! Laughing '''Hoffman': You surely did. Gasp Quincy: But - w-what about your honey hibernation? Hoffman: Welp, the truth is, my hibernation was a bit of a bar-faced lie. All: Huh? Hoffman: It's a little technique I use - I pretend to be unconscious; then, when pets like you are up against it, they dig deep and find their true animal within. You're welcome. Roxie: So we did it! We all tapped into our animal skills! Howling Edie: I have to admit, living like a pampered pet is nice, but getting in touch with my wild side opens up all kinds of new characters for me to perform. Pioneer bird, wilderness scout bird, ''a frontier nurse bird! '''Trip': Ooh, lumberjack bird! Edie: Don't you mean lumbar-jack bird? Laugh Hoffman: I don't get it. Roxie: So maybe we should do this more often? Jade: Keep dreaming. Quincy: Nope! Trip: Hard pass. Edie: Not a chance. Roxie: Race you to the camper! Laughing Credits